Memoir Monday: Sock, Croc and Two Smoking Barrels

Memoir Monday

Sock, Croc and Two Smoking Barrels Before I start writing this awesome story I just want to warn you that it is more ‘slice-of-lifey’ than ‘memoir mondayey’. So here goes. Also, the title is a spoof of an old movie.

It was a regular Saturday morning: hot and boring. I rose from my bed thinking about the stuff I had to do that day: buy shoes, watch ‘Wall Street Two’ and (most importantly) finish watching ‘Dexter’ season four. I felt impelled to finish ‘Dexter’ first seeing as it was the most entertaining. Also, I completely abhor buying shoes! The interminable selection seems to go on forever, even though every shoe is the same.

In my mum’s mind: ‘the early bird catches the worm’. So we had to get the shoes and watch ‘Wall Street’ early to beat the crowds. Anybody that has met my mum will know that. Have you ever seen her pick me up from the mall after eight o’clock? That meant that ‘Dexter’ had to wait…NOOOO!!! For shoe-buying purposes I was going with the sock-croc look. The crocs are easy to slip off and everybody seems to get offended by people not wearing socks in shoe stores.

For those of you that are ‘fashion-blind’, you cannot wear socks and crocs together. The croc already looks stupid enough as a stand-alone piece of clothing, (seeing as it is no more than a colorful eraser full of holes) never mind the socks beneath it. Back to the story: I walked into the mall, wearing the dreaded clothes. As if that wasn’t enough, I just had to be wearing shorts to made the disgusting combination on my feet a thousand percent more visible.

I personally feel profoundly sorry for those who casually wear them, looking like they have no idea about the catastrophe going on below them. How can they not take amiss to the intense ugliness? While you’re wearing that, why not pop on those ‘heli-hats’ (the things nerds wear in cartoons) and that full-body, green thong from Borat?

Anyways, (Quick message to Dyvon and Mikkel: saying the words: ‘anyways’ and ‘okay’ does not make you gay!), we had just bought the shoes. (Here goes another rant). Have any of you hit up Dunkin’ Donuts recently? Have you noticed that they no longer serve the only good donut: the chocolate filled one? They have hundreds of crap flavors (emphasis on crap), but is a ‘Chocolate Cream’ too much to ask for? What they have on the menu is: pineapple cream, ‘Dulce de Leche’ (whatever the hell that is) and Bavarian freaking cream!! Not only that, but ECLAIRES!!!! E-FREAKING-CLAIRES!!!!!! They’re not even donuts for Christ sake! Munchkins are acceptable I guess because they are ‘Dunkin’ Donuts’ own creation…unlike éclairs! Max’s definition of éclair: long, annoying Bavarian cream! (This is where that tirade becomes relevant) My shoes are waaaay to long and thin. Anybody that has seen them will tell you that, (consult Mikkel for details). So my shoes are now called ‘The Éclairer-darers’…my family likes to make stupid names for stuff. Examples include: omelet = Ommer-Dommer, hamster = Hammer-Dammer and so on.

What I realized that humiliating day was that I really need to be more observant so that I won’t be seen in public with such apparel. Oh-yeah, I forgot to tell you how ‘Wall Street’ went. It was being screened in the biggest room ‘cinepolis’ had to offer: the 3-D one. Of course (seeing as ‘Wall Street’ was a sequel to the ‘Wall Street’ from twenty-three years ago) it was hard to see anybody under the age of sixty and the room was half-full. The last thing I needed at that point in time was about seventy snobby, old people seeing the ‘croc-sock’ combo.

Morale of the story: Be observant and DO NOT WEAR SOCKS WITH CROCS!!