Wordly Wise Wednesday: To Vigan

Letter to Vigan

Now, before I write my letter, I want to emphasize that I only mean 99% of what you are going to read, just kidding I mean100% of it…the truth makes it that much better. Just kidding again. In case any of you are concerned I wrote this with Vigan’s permission and I like him AS A FRIEND.

The following letter is dedicated to: Paula, Steph, Mari and everybody else who hates Vigan. Just kidding nobody hates you Vigan…or at least not that I know of.

M. Duckworth

19 Chihuahuas Suck Blvd

Funny because its true, HA

September 8, 2010

Dear Vigan,

I am writing this letter to tell you how much I hate you. I have tried to encompass you in all of my conversations and activities, however your weirdness is creeping my friends out so I now want to extricate myself from the friendship.

I know that it is your disposition to constantly say, “Guess What” and then say something stupid like: ‘Black Ops’, ‘Modern Warfare 3’, ‘Predator Drone’, ‘Pringles’, or ‘Duckworth’. In addition to that I am sick of your guile towards me. I know it was you that sold me that bad T.V. on eBay. I know it was you that tried to run me over on Monday. I know it was you have killed Bruce Willis in ‘The Sixth Sense’ and I know it was you who gave the guys roofies in ‘The Hangover’. Also (this is just a conjecture) but I think it was you who ate my goldfish! It is imperative that you put an end to this madness and leave me alone!

Either that or Modify your behavior. I do not want that incident when you nearly killed Brandon because he said ‘Halo Reach’ is better than ‘Black Ops’ to recur. Also, if you could stop flapping like a fish out of water whenever somebody says something that is remotely related to video games. I don’t care if stuff like that is prevalent in your family, it is really scary!

An anonymous source tells me that for generations now you have been messing up Chihuahua D.N.A. My contact said that Chihuahuas used to be as cute as malteses but you had to go and turn them into hairless, yappy, rats with Doritos for ears. If you could please turn them back it would be a pivotal event for science and dog-lovers.

I just want to re-enforce what I just said. I would like for you to either stop being creepy or leave me alone. One more thing, please don’t over react and write an anthology of ‘friend break-up’ poetry because you strike me as an over-reactor. If you want I can instill you into a new group of people so you can make new friends. If you do want me to do that, just promise me one thing: you won’t spontaneously return to me. That’s about it.

See Ya

Max the Duck